The Exorcism of Russel Crowe!

Russel Crowe: An actor I have admired for all the movies I’ve seen (The Gladiator, The Nice Guys, 3:10 to Yuma) and even the ones that I haven’t (Cinderella Man and A Beautiful Mind). I mean, come on. It’s Russel Crowe. How can I not be impressed by him?

I regret asking this question because the universe has this habit of eavesdropping on the most intrusive of my thoughts and taking them as a challenge to unleash utter chaos. When I look at my clients and wonder, “Can they be any more stupid?”, the universe pipes in with a “Sure they can!” and proceeds to demonstrate that for me. When I am dejectedly looking at my bank balance and thinking, “Could I be any poorer?”, the universe rushes to demonstrate that I can, in fact, be significantly poorer. And when I look at the hot mess that my life is and grumble, “Can things get any worse?” the universe rubs its hands gleefully and says, “Let me show you how!”

So, when I thought to myself “How can I not be impressed by Russel Crowe?”, I shouldn’t have been surprised when the Universe immediately replied, “Psst … watch this!” 

I can’t blame the universe alone for the mischief it pulled on me. My friend and I are equally at fault. Both of us were in the mood for some cheap thrills (because the expensive ones were out of our budget!) and we thought a late night horror movie would deliver the heady dose of chills and thrills that could liven up our otherwise boring existence.

All things considered, we had a sound plan. Fun episodes and great stories have been woven around such silly shenanigans, right? Ridiculous plans have paved the way for unforgettable experiences. But we forgot about the one thing on which the success of this plan hinged: Picking a damn good horror movie. 

2024’s ‘The Exorcism’ never gave the impression of being a damn good horror movie. Sure, the trailer was suitably dark and spooky, and yeah, Russel Crowe still gets my attention, but after having watched ‘The Pope’s Exorcist’ last year, I had very little hopes from our current pick.

Suffice it to say, my friend and I were already on a slippery slope as far as our expectations from this movie were concerned. The universe simply dialled up the speed at which we went sliding down said slope! And then, for maximum damage, switched out the slope for stairs!

The movie’s storyline is as hackneyed as it can get with ingredients pulled from the shelf of horror tropes and genre staples. I honestly don’t have the bandwidth to go into it in detail and revisit trauma on myself. But here are the highlights:

– A broken character with personal demons going rat-tat-tat at the door of his sanity? Check.

– Guilt-ridden father? Rebel-spirited daughter? Tension that can be cut with a knife and served on a plate with a generous drizzle of “drama and angst”? Check. Check. Check.

The end result? A steaming pile of poop that my friend and I sat in, all stinked up and uncomfortable, trying to get through a movie that was as riddled with boring cliches as a rotting corpse crawling with maggots. 

To make matters worse, this movie was trying to pull what I like to call an ‘Is-It-Isn’t-It? formula. Is it a psychological horror? Or is it a religious horror? Is the possession a metaphor for a mind unraveling under guilt and regret? Or is there really a malevolent demon at play here?

See, here’s the thing: When it comes to my taste in horror movies, I am a simple and straightforward woman. Do I like psychological horror? Sure! But I am not looking for the complexities of the mind in a cheap ass horror movie that can’t even be bothered to light up the room properly! Get a few bulbs, will ya, movie! And while you’re at it, how about you bring back a decent script as well?

To be honest, it wasn’t all bad. The movie started off quite strong. It created this really eerie, ominous atmosphere in a 1973’s Exorcist-esque set, where an actor dressed as a priest is practicing his lines. As he moves around the house, he’s being stalked by some sort of presence and soon enough, he’s bumped off, albeit offscreen. So far, so good. 

But soon enough, the movie just plunged into an abyss of dismal storytelling that couldn’t decide what it really wanted to be. The speed at which it alternated between religious horror and psychological horror (sometimes in the same scene) gave me a massive whiplash! Pick a lane, movie, and for the love of all things scary and spooky, stick to it.  

I started this blog saying how much I admire Russel Crowe and his acting skills. I maintain that, but this movie made it very, very hard for me to stick to my convictions. All throughout, I kept getting the feeling that Crowe wasn’t giving this movie even 25 per cent of his effort. You can hardly blame the audience for not being enthusiastic about a movie that will be a footnote in Crowe’s biography. I mean, it didn’t bother spending more than 15 minutes on the exorcism that was supposed to be the main focus of the movie. It’s in the title, for crying out loud!! Did you forget about it?

My final thoughts? Play this movie at a teenage slumber party filled with kids who get silly spooked when they imagine a spider climbing up their legs, and I bet even they won’t be able to muster half a scary whimper between all of them. In fact, they might get more creeped out by the sight of Russel Crowe’s body double’s naked ass in the movie!

So much for cheap thrills, huh?